Title: “A Call To Action”

This was written and performed for a community fundraiser for local youth programs. A spoof political-style monologue about the unavoidable zombie apocalypse, this was very well received by the entire audience.

Note: Apologies for the quality of the video itself; it was recorded on a phone. Nonetheless, the audio quality withstands.


It’s time we addressed a rather serious issue. There’s just no getting around it, we have to take matters into our own hands. These are scary times, times of uncertainty, times of terror, times of stress and distress. We must rise up and take control, gain back our country from the horrible riff-raff that are currently threatening to run our beloved nation into the ground. I’m talking, of course, about zombies.

The first step we must take is to educate ourselves on identifying the zombies that mingle among us, seemingly unnoticed. How do you properly identify a zombie? It’s simple: they look tired, never smile, move sluggishly, seem to have no thoughts of their own, and grunt and groan a lot. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Well, that sounds like regular 9-5ers on a Friday afternoon.”

While this is true, there is a few key differences: zombies have a terrible smell. They smell of old garbage, stale BO, and appear dirty. Not to be confused with your average video game addict, either, though- zombies will actually come outside.

The second step we must take is to arm ourselves. Hiding from zombies won’t do any good. If you’ve seen any movies, you’ll know that the ones that hide always get eaten first. The meat hasn’t been strained due to running to working to try to survive. It’s more tender and juicy. So no matter how safe you may think your fortress is, zombies will find a way to get through your moat, barbed wire, cement walls, and guard dogs just for a bite of your delicious brains.

Shovels seem to work well as a defense against zombies when a gun isn’t available or has run out of bullets, as it almost always will just before you’re attacked by a hungry hoard of the undead, but any blunt object can be used if you know how to effectively whack a zombie.

Of course, we also must take steps to prevent the spread of zombiism. If you have a run-in with a zombie, there is always the very real potential that you may become one yourself if you are not cautious. Most of the time zombiism is spread through a bite or exchange of fluids. It is highly recommended that you never kiss a zombie, ever. It is also wise to not let anyone bite you unless they are a close friend or a trusted lover, but even then you should be careful.

If you are bitten and not completely devoured by the zombie who bit you, you have a chance of survival, though a slim one. After you are bitten, do your best to either kill the zombie or run as fast as you can to a safe place. Once you’ve done either of those things, you will have to remove the arm or leg that was bitten as soon as possible in order to prevent a full zombie transformation.

Hopefully, you won’t be alone when this happens and you’ll have a good friend there who is willing to dismember your appendages. If you’ve been bitten in the head, though, you have no chance of survival, so you should be courteous to others and let them run away before you try to make a meal out of them.

A zombie attack can occur anywhere, at anytime. Once, in the middle of the night I was up reading about the inevitable zombie apocalypse when I heard the sounds of the undead rustling through the house. I walked out quietly into the dark kitchen, where the zombie was rummaging through our cabinets, no doubt looking for fresh flesh to feast upon. I picked up the toaster oven and smashed it on the back of the zombies head! It went down with a thud!

It was only after I turned on the lights that I realized it was just my dad, looking for a late-night snack. My mom was pretty upset, and my dad grounded me when he came-to the next morning. But had it actually been a zombie, I would’ve saved the family!

You never know when or where a zombie may attack. In fact, there could be one hiding here tonight, in the audience. I bet there is. Here’s what you should do: turn to your neighbor and give them a good sniff. If they don’t smell like they’re alive, you might want to consider switching seats. Now, we come to the portion of our evening where we will be enjoying light snacks and some tasty drinks. While you’re out there, if you notice anyone trying to make finger food out of your, or anyone else’s, fingers, please notify the nearest zombie control agent immediately.